NOW IS THE BEST TIME TO LOOK FOR LOVE.
The pandemic and dating is a beautiful match. Listen in on an interview I did for 93.7 The Eagle. Transcript is also available.
Cash: Things are weird right now, Carly.
Carly: They really are, new to us, everything.
Cash: Everything is, right? One thing that we talk about is like dating, is it put on hold during a pandemic? Well, all the questions that you might have in regards to finding love during the corona virus, I think we may have stumbled upon the person who may have the answers you’re looking for.
Cash: Let’s say a big Hampton Roads good morning and what’s happening to the one and only Alasha Bennett’s. Alasha Bennett is the founder of Dating Mechanics University in Virginia Beach and she is joining us live right now. Alasha good morning, how are you?
Alasha: Good morning. Good morning. So happy to be with you all today.
Cash: You bet. Thanks for coming on this morning. I first saw Alasha’s write up, our media partners WTKR had a nice little write up about what she does. Alasha, let’s start without, tell us about how you’re the founder of Dating Mechanics University in Virginia Beach and how your services may be able to help some folks out nowadays.
Alasha: Absolutely. Like you said, I am Alasha Bennet, the dating mechanic, and I help singles, premarital, and couples figure out what they’re doing in their relationships. Right? I help singles figure out who they want to date and who they want to be with. I help premarital couples trying to navigate what’s coming. And I help seasoned couples try to either fix what’s happening in their relationship or spice it up or just be able to bond better. The Dating Mechanics University is an online platform where we have courses and classes and webinars that can help. And I also do one-on-one and group coaching.
Carly: So she’s legitimate, unlike us who give insane advice out.
Cash: Yeah, we just throw ideas out there like this. I think Alasha has like the legitimate ways to go about … You said something interesting, and again, I’m talking to Alasha Bennett, the founder of Dating Mechanics University of Virginia Beach. You said that this is actually a great time to be looking for love. Alasha can you expand on that, explain how that works?
Alasha: Absolutely. It is the perfect time to look for love. We are taking the opportunity to slow down while dating actually. You know, a lot of times you want to rush into things, especially when we’re talking about online dating. But now we have a chance to be a little bit more safer where that’s concerned. When you’re online dating you want to get out there, you want to meet that person, you want to go on that date. But now we’re seeing that because of the pandemic, it’s easier to go on a FaceTime or some type of app that’s going to allow you to look at the person. And have those deeper conversations that you wouldn’t have had, had you been in person with that person. Because you’re going off of vibes and chemistry instead of really what that person is saying.
Cash: I think you’re onto something there, because I always say that technology, people seem to rush into things too much nowadays. And they totally skip the getting to know you phase. Like, hey, let’s find out where we share some common ground. And I mean, would you say that is the entire base of a successful relationship?
Alasha: You have to start on a great foundation. And it’s so funny because I was talking with a single yesterday about creating that foundation. And how a lot of times we are mesmerized by how they look and how they smell and those types of things. But we’re not really focusing on the things we actually need to know about a person. So I did write a, I wrote three books, but one in particular, Seven Key Questions To Ask On A First Date, is the perfect book for anybody who is at home and they’re dating right now. Because it allows them to ask the pertinent questions that’s going to help you build that foundation.
Carly: I, this is what I tell people, and tell me if this is a good idea. I feel like it is based on my past. I always tell people they should play board games with somebody they’re interested in because it’s really good to see if they’re a good or a sad, bad, poor loser.
Cash: Yeah, how they react.
Carly: Oh yeah, yeah.
Alasha: Absolutely. There are different levels of dating. And there’s different levels of dating activities that someone should be doing. There’s level one where you’re just getting to know that person. And so you’re just going to mostly do like maybe talking dates. You’re going to see what you like and dislike. You’re going to see if there’s immediate deal breakers. And then you have like your level two where you’re doing some, you’re learning specific interest about that person. What are the hobbies and the shared experiences that you both may have together. And then you have that level three where you’re working together. You want to find out their strengths and weaknesses. This is when the dates get fun. You can … You know I always tell couples to go on a paddle boat ride. Have you ever tried a paddle boat? That is the most difficult thing that you can do.
Carly: Yeah, I would jump off of it.
Alasha: But if you can work it together.
Carly: They’re so hard.
Alasha: It is so hard.
Carly: Working upstream too.
Alasha: Yes, but if you can work together in that, or maybe a, what do you call those? Not panic rooms, but those rooms-
Carly: Oh yeah.
Cash: The mystery rooms or whatever, yeah.
Carly: Escape rooms.
Cash: Escape rooms.
Alasha: Yeah, yeah. That’s an actual, how are they going to react under the pressure, right?
Alasha: And then you have that level four where you’re just off, you’re just fanning the flames. And you’re just bonding and you’re building that intimacy.
Cash: I think this is all really interesting stuff. Again, we’re talking with Alasha Bennett. Alasha is a founder of Dating Mechanics University in Virginia Beach.
Carly: Alasha, we’ve got a question coming in. What kind of advice do you give somebody freshly off of a relationship wanting to get back into one, after a long time commitment?
Alasha: Take your time and heal. Make sure that you are expressing to that person that you just got out of relationship. In more instances than not, you’re actually just looking for companionship. And you really want somebody to just be there as a body. So if you’re very mindful of that, take the time to actually stop, to focus on why the previous relationship did not work.
Alasha: And then, there’s a process to healing and breaking up. You want to be able to take the blame game away, right? When you’ve reached the point where you’re not blaming the other person, but taking responsibility for the part that you played. And then figuring out how you’re going to do things differently for the next relationship, then it’s time to date.
Carly: Yeah. What if it was their fault though? What if it all was their fault?
Alasha: In that instance, what signs did you miss? What could have you done differently in that situation? A lot of people say, well, now looking back, I saw the signs. And I should have left sooner, or I should have asked questions or I should, you know. They have the what if I did this, what if I did that, kind of thing going on. There’s always something that we can take away and we can learn from an experience. Do that. What are the takeaways that you can take into the next relationship or next phase of your life?
Cash: Again, we’re talking with Alasha Bennett. Alasha’s as a founder of Dating Mechanics University here in Virginia Beach. Alasha, let me ask you this real quick. When it comes to somebody who’s looking at getting into the dating game, I mean there’s so many options nowadays. Are there some websites, I mean what social circles are the best to put yourself in, in potentially finding a significant other.
Alasha: Well, I do have on my website alashabennett.com some free resources that singles can download. They tell you where to possibly meet people.
Alasha: I tell people to actually be focused. So if you like online dating because it, there’s a lot of popular dating apps out there. But also there are dating apps and dating websites that focus on interests. There are fitness dating websites. Any websites that you can think and social thing that you like to do, there’s a dating website for it. Trust me, Google it. There’s one for every-
Carly: I think my husband joined a couple of those.
Alasha: … For everything. Exactly, for everything he likes to do. Definitely the meet up groups are a wonderful place to meet others. But be specific, what are the things that you like to do? Some [inaudible 00:08:37] say … I tell singles you’re not going to meet a millionaire at Walmart. And they all laugh at me and they say you might. And I’m like, well no, that’s not where they’re hanging out. Where are they hanging out? And that’s where you need to go.
Cash: That’s good advice, man.
Carly: I’m telling you if I would have done this back, my cousin and I say it all the time. If we wouldn’t have been hustling pool down on the North side in Pittsburgh.
Carly: And buying, spending an entire paycheck on an outfit and a nice pair of shoes-
Carly: My whole life could have been different.
Cash: Completely opposite at this point, right?
Cash: But here you are, a pool shark. You’re going down. Hey, your mother told you there ain’t no good guys down at that pool hall, Carly, you stay away from them. Right. Well again, we’re talking with Alasha Bennett, again, founder of Dating Mechanics University in Virginia Beach.
Cash: Alasha, I got to ask you, just because I’m curious now. Based on your expertise on dating, I mean it’s got to be a challenge for a man to take you out on a date, right? Because you got, you got all these filters and stuff. I mean, does that make, based on what, the amount of knowledge that you have in regards to meeting somebody and having a successful relationship, I mean have you a lot of success, you know, in terms of meeting the right guy? I mean, let’s be honest, Alasha, there’s a bunch of bums out there nowadays. How do you filter through the bad ones to find that gold nugget?
Alasha: You know, it’s funny that you asked that. And everyone always asks my story. How did you get into relationship coaching, how did you get here? And the funny thing is divorce, divorce got me here. Divorce put me in a place where I really had to focus on me and focus on what I really wanted from a relationship. And that’s why I wrote the Seven Key Questions To Ask On The First Date. And that book, as small as it is, it’s a bathroom read I always say. You can read this in one sitting, right?
Alasha: So this book actually allows you to ask the right questions. And funny enough, one of the questions is, are you single? Do you know how many people don’t ask that question? They assume because they’re being hit on, they assume because someone is giving them attention, that they’re ready and they’re available to be in a relationship with them. And it’s just not true. So I practice what I preach and I make sure I ask all the pertinent questions in this book. That allows people to really get to know someone enough that they can make a decision on a second date.
Cash: Interesting. Oh man. Again, Alasha Bennett, founder of Dating Mechanics University of Virginia Beach.
Cash: Alasha, let me ask you. Hey, I’m just going to say I know a guy who’s married with a couple of small kids. And his wife is always very, very tired and not really interested, if you know what I mean.
Alasha: Oh definitely.
Cash: What ways could this person go about getting his wife more interested in terms of being more physical with him? I’m asking for a friend of course.
Alasha: Of course. We want to make sure that we are checking in with our spouse. Ask your spouse how are you feeling, what can I do for you today? We really neglect to do that on a daily basis. And I will tell you, I hate put men and women against each other like this, but women and men have differences, right? And women are more emotional. So even asking that question at the beginning of the day, that turns a whole woman’s mood around. What can I do to help you today?
Alasha: We have to remember that marriage is a ministry. And so we have to be there for our spouse in every sense of the word. And so he can relieve something. She might say, hey, can you get the kids dressed? And that might give her 10 minutes just to be who she wants to be. Whether that’s putting on makeup, whether that’s laying in the bed an extra 10 minutes, whatever she wants to do for that amount of time.
Cash: Again, Alasha Bennett is the founder of Dating Mechanics University here in Virginia Beach. Author, she’s done it all.
Cash: Carly and I, we found … I mean it was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen because it’s so old school. And I think in so many different ways, you look at the country, and people just want it to go back to the medieval times, I think sometimes. So we found this weird article and it was written in like a 1950s Reader’s Digest.
Alasha: Oh my gosh, that’s so funny.
Cash: And it was, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen any of these Alasha?
Alasha: I’ve seen it.
Cash: But it was like the guide to becoming the perfect housewife. And I’m like, my god, these women were prisoners back in the fifties. Like the entire idea of being married was, well, the wife is your slave and she has to do everything she wants. I mean, a lot of guys kick it old school. I mean … And again it’s very much more of a 50/50 take nowadays. Is society ready to take on more of a partnership instead of this marriage where the woman takes on a majority of the workload?
Alasha: I have this argument on social media at least once a day. About it being a team effort and how we have to start thinking more team minded when we’re talking about relationships. We always have that discussion of submission, that’s a big one. If you ever want to start an argument, just say that word. But we have to, we have no choice at this point. Everything changes and we have to learn how to adapt and change with it. And especially when we’re talking about relationships, nothing stays the same. People don’t stay the same. They grow and they change.
Alasha: And we have to be able to change with that, with that aspect of mind, of being better. And if we don’t take on that team mindset and we keep that 1950s. A lot of women are working outside of the home now. So that brings in a whole other dynamic that you’re not just the provider as the man. I’m also providing as well. So I need you to help with the cooking and the cleaning and the rearing of the children. So we have to be more on a team mindset. Because as we know now, mental health is a really big button issue right now. It’s a really big issue. So that’s why before I was saying ask your partner, what can I do for you today? It goes a long way.
Cash: I’ll tell you I think you’re really onto something there. I’m going to use that. I mean I’m going to tell my friend to use that one next time I talk to him, of course, just to see if it makes a difference.
Cash: This is all really good stuff. I’ll tell you what, Alasha Bennett, there’s one thing we didn’t talk about. Because one thing that folks don’t realize, and Carly and I were talking about this, domestic issues rise whenever these quarantines are going on. Whenever you’re forced … I’m thinking to myself, you’re with this person for a reason. You guys ought to be able to behave and get along. But I guess, I mean separation in a relationship is still very important, yeah?
Alasha: Oh absolutely. And during this quarantine, if you have to take that breather, say, hey, I need an hour. I’m going to take over the bedroom. I need an hour. Or the study or I need to just go on the porch, I need to go on a walk. But you still have to take the time, your personal time, to put together your thoughts. We’re still individual people and we have our own anxieties and those things. And we still have to be able to not put everything on our partners that we’re thinking and be able to resolve some things within ourselves.
Cash: There you go. That’s good stuff, man. Again, Alasha Bennett, founder of Dating Mechanics University, Virginia Beach. Alasha, once all this passes, I mean, do you do like clinics? What’s it like for you in a normal set of circumstances?
Alasha: Absolutely. I do classes, I do online courses. I do one-on-one and group coaching. And I’m happy to do a consultation for anyone who feels like they really just need to talk to somebody and see what the next steps are. Whether they’re single, they’re premarital or they’re a full blown couple.
Cash: Okay Alasha, what’s the best way for somebody to be able to contact you and get in on all the goods and all that, all the great resources that you have?
Alasha: They can go to alashabennett.com, that’s where they’ll see everything. Or they can go to Dating Mechanics University, that’s where all the courses will be.
Cash: Alasha Bennett is founder of Dating Mechanics University right here in Virginia Beach. And she says this is the best time to be looking for love. Alasha, we appreciate you so much, spending some time with us. I really hope we can do this again in the future once things get back to normal. Because that’s what we do. Hey, Virginia’s for lovers.
Alasha: Yeah, absolutely.
Cash: So we try to hook folks up. Alasha, thanks so much. Be safe and we’ll be in contact with you, okay?
Alasha: Thank you for having me.